Today is the beginning of a personal journey for me. All my life, I have struggled to lose weight. When you hear someone say they have done it all............trust me, I have done it all.
Age 15....................Weight Watchers
Age 16....................Medi-Fast
Age 24....................Gastric Bypass Surgery
Age 33....................Gastric Bypass Revision Surgery
Age 34....................Gastric Bypass Revision Surgery #2
I have had 2 more surgeries since then, with the last one being on December 19, 2006. The last two surgeries were to fix hernia's. So YES, I have had my abdomen sliced open FIVE times. And for what? I am still FFFAAATTT!!!
I own almost every diet book known to man. I have taken Phen-Phen, I have done Phentermine by itself, I have even done the HCG liquid called Opti-Lean. It doesn't work. NONE OF IT!!! If you have no will power, nothing works.
Is it is my fault.........COMPLETELY!!! I am too busy taking care of everyone in my life but me. I take care of my husband...........yes SHOCKER, I am married, almost 14 years now. I take care of my son..........who is 13. My life is super busy.
I always say tomorrow I am gonna start this and tomorrow I am gonna start that. I NEVER FOLLOW THROUGH!!! Hell, I even have a membership to a 24 hour state of the art gym, that is less than 6 blocks from my house. I say, "Oh, if I could just be on the Biggest Loser", confession................I tried out for the Biggest Loser. I was the first person in line at the Norman, Oklahoma auditions a couple of months ago.......but I wasn't chosen.
So now, what is a girl to do?
Hmmmm...............let's see what my choices are:
1. Do nothing.......and continue to gain weight.
2. Take back my life.
The answer is simple. I choose to take back my life. Today, October 6, 2009, was the first time in my 40 years of life, that I broke down while taking my son to school and I said "I HATE MY LIFE". Worse.............I said it in front of my son. What kind of mother am I? Only someone sick would say that to a 13 year old.
The sad part, it is true. I do hate my life. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and I love my son and I love my God, but I don't love myself and for that, I hate my life.
But I realized something. By coming to the conclusion that I hate my life and knowing that I want to love my life. It is time for change. I have made some changes. I gave up regular soda for diet soda. I quit smoking..........the trade off was I gain 60 lbs in 2 years. I am not even sure what I weigh. I am around the 250 lb mark and being only 5'1", that is too much for my body.
I don't really have anyone to talk to, hence, this is why I created you, my handy, dandy blog. Maybe one day I will make you public, maybe not. But for now, this is for me. Some place where I can put all my thoughts and not worry about what anyone thinks. Maybe one day, through trial and error, this blog will help another person who faces the same struggles I do.
So here is to a new beginning and a new me. I am going to post a photo on here that I did for my Biggest Loser auditions. It is gross and embarrassing, but at the same time, it will make me accountable to myself. So here are my goals.
GOALS:
1. Eat healthier...........no fancy diets, just real food, no sweets and learn to balance that with real life.
2. Go to the gym daily. No excuses, just do it. Even if it is only for 10 minutes.
3. Post a weekly photo on here. So I can see the transformation.
4. Trade off diet soda for water.
5. Figure out how to add a weight loss ticker.
Ok...............so that is it. This is for me and only me. Maybe I have to be selfish, but I don't care. I deserve to be happy. When someone hates their life.............you have to fix what is broken to make it better. I am what is broken.
Goodnight from Oklahoma...........
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Ang, I know what you are talking about. Ihave always been a size 5-7 and now I am a size 11-12 .I can tell you I have diabetes .And I have alot of health issues now.Butthe one thing i have learned is not everyone is made to be a size 5-6.We all are made different.Weight does not make you the person you are. our insides do.All you need to do is to get healthy. I am proud of you for tring to do what you need to do to make yourself happy. our always be my big sister..love tee
ReplyDeleteHey big sis. I know you can do this. You are one of the strongest people I know. When you set other goals, you always achieve them. I have said many times, why can't I do it if Angie can? But I never do. I know if you set your mind to it, you will succeed in this journey. What I think you need to remember though, is this journey truly isn't about losing weight and getting "skinny". This journey is about getting healthy. If you focus on that, this journey may be a little bit easier for you. I am really proud of you, I always have been. We, your friends and family, are behind you 100% and we always will be. Oh, and remember, you are not FFFAAATTT, you are FFFLLLUUUFFFYYY! Say that proudly with a wink! Love ya girl! Jill
ReplyDeleteHey girl, I'm proud of you. I'm almost at my heaviest weight ever. After high school I spent years battling an eating disorder as was 92 pounds (at 5'7") and then a couple of years ago I got up to 296! I could give you a hundred reasons, kids, medications, depression, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, stress....but none of them matter what matters is the result. I wish I were motivated as you are but I just don't have it in me and don't care very much anymore. As long as I'm comfortable and can reach everything (LOL) I've decided that it's all about comfort and health. I like sweets and eating what I want too much to deny myself those things (in moderation). Just remember, skinny does NOT equal happy. I was the most miserable at my lowest and highest weights and the happiest somewhere in between. Be easy on yourself. Hugs!!!! Kat
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